Oh shit moments...

Ok let me just say Gray's Anatomy is a great show. Let me also say, I shouldn't watch it anymore, at ALL!

It's a fucking TV show and I'm so upset... I know this is stupid and I do hope all of you will forgive me but dear God I feel so alone.

I had an oh shit moment earlier of,

I'm pregnant; I'm going to have a baby. I'm bringing a person into this world and I can't screw my life up anymore by choice or chance. Not that I ever wanted to, it just sort of happened.

I'm alone and have no one to touch or touch me and no one to kiss me on the forehead and touch my face and tell me anything.

I will soon have a son, someone to rely on me completely and no one, absolutely no one to care for the both of us. I have always been the one to take care of myself and I've not done a good job. I've made bad choices with guys. I've made bad choices in work.

I'm an idiot when it comes to people. What have I done in the past several relationships? Fallen in love with someone and gotten so completely involved with someone that I dream about him constantly and I can't get him out of my head no matter how much I hate him. <<>>

I love my son and wouldn't change anything about having him. I'm excited and terrified but... Come on!

My father raped me until I was almost 16. My first sexual experience besides my dad was when someone else raped me at 13. I've been anorexic and super obese and I make friends who are bad for me and end up wanting me to die. I mean who gets shot in the shower??? Come on that's a fucking joke! But no, no Jenn gets shot in the shower, does she die? NO! Because her life is so great God wants to keep her around.

The beatings, the rapes, the abuse, the twisting of her head and destruction of her body with congenital defects aren’t enough. The fact that sure she swears and has slept with a few people must be enough to mean all of this is ok. No she’s never done drugs. No she’s never harmed another in her life and has stepped between fighting people to stop them hurting each other and she doesn’t drink and drive and she tries to help everyone and though she may be flakey she tries to keep friends and strangers happy. None of that matters. In fact she’s a martyr because she thinks that having a small break is something she should have.

I’m so tired guys. I’m so scared. >>>EDIT<<<

I’m sorry this is a dump session but<<>> I wish I wasn’t so hurt. I want to start healing but I don’t know how. I’ve prayed and prayed and the only thing I can figure is no matter how lonely I am, my son is the only one I need to love and to love me back because I just can’t pick decent guys. I’m broken merchandise and only attract guys who want to break an already broken toy. I so think they’re nice in the beginning but then I find out who they are, but not until after I’ve fallen for them.

I guess I need to go to bed, I just needed to vent. It’s about 11pm and I have to take my sis to the airport at 4am cause she’s going on vacation. I’m really sorry for dumping and I know this seems to come as a more than once a month thing I guess… I don’t know.

Please pray for me that I can get restful sleep with no dreams. I’m tired of crying by myself but being strong when I show my face.

Good night y’all.